If I could change things about my life, I would. Wouldn’t you? If you had the opportunity to look at yourself and your life on a spread sheet wouldn’t you want to tweak it a bit? I would give myself more passion for service and healthy eating and put myself in different positions to lead and take away fear of what I will do with my life and the sins I struggle with. It even gets more specific. Like wanting to plan for a husband, two kids at OCS and two dogs with a comfortable income and house in the beautiful town of Edmond, OK. I often find myself picturing my life if I was in charge. If I could plan out everything just the way I desire I would be so much happier. Or so I think.
But, I can’t plan out my life and that is scary. SCARY. Not having control over my future is one of my worst fears, along with flying and crashing (the thought alone makes my skin crawl) and being in the midst of a shooting. That’s pretty serious, don’t you think? I am terrified that I will never get to check certain things off of my “To Do” list for life. Marriage. Kids. Success. World Traveling (considering I hate flying…?). The thought is enough to make my heart beat fast and my hands get clammy. Typical Type A response to uncertainty, right?
As much as my flesh wants to attempt to control my life, my soul knows that I can trust my God with my life. And that is what I spend every day trying to do. Trust Him. I was humming a song the other day and one of the lyrics clicked in my head… “It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe.” The perfect line to describe how I feel about my future. I don’t know my future and the thought of it scares me, but I do know the One who holds my future. As difficult as it is to believe sometimes, His plans are better for me than my plans for myself. Maybe they’ll line up and maybe they won’t. I think that’s why this song lyric made so much sense to me. If I knew everything that is going to happen then there would be no sense of falling. No whole-hearted trust. I would be certain and walking on solid ground. I feel like I’m falling because I am believing. One day His hands will reach out and catch me. That is the day that I will know all of this falling was worth it. The catch is worth the fall. The catch is worth the fall.
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:22-34